"The Talk"
Greetings! Thanks for checking out the Parents' page. If you've visited this page, chances are you're a parent facing the exciting and, yes, challenging times of parenting teens. Having "the talk" (hopefully, you're having a LOT of these talks, not just one) is a bit unnerving (both for parents and for their adolescent children). A national survey indicates that nearly 9 out of 10 parents report that when it comes to talking to their kids about sex, parents often don't know what to say, how to say it, or when to start. For that reason, some parents put it off. . . some just don't go there and hope their kids will not think about "it". . . some guess they'll figure it out or get info. from their peers. None of these strategies is a good idea.
 It's just as "creepy" for a parent to think of their child as a sexual being as it is for kids to think about their parents' sexuality. Often, when a parent gazes at their growing and transforming teen, he still sees all of the ages the child has been, and it is hard to even fathom the "child" becoming sexually active. . . they certainly still must be innocent! It is difficult to view youth as "sexual creatures". . . but all humans are -- how we express our sexuality defines character. Parents, if they're open to discussing these topics, can guide youth in selecting from a wide variety of behaviors the most appropriate ways to express their sexuality.
Many parents hope their children will find ways to express their innate affection for others while choosing to abstain (avoiding all types of sex: intercourse, oral sex, and anal sex) -- showing their natural affection in less "serious" ways. National statistics support that many youth make this very responsible choice (nationally, about 48% of teens are sexually active . . . that's less than 1/2. Here in Garland County, 54% of teens are sexually active and 1 in 3 girls in Garland Co. becomes pregnant before her 18th birthday). Reported cases of STDs in the under 18 group are on the rise so that half of all sexually active Americans will contract an STD by the time they are 25. Hoping youth will choose to abstain from sex isn't enough when the statistics show that about half of all teens are already sexually active and many don't make sexually responsible choices.
It appears that peer pressure and media imagery/messages may be more intense than they were in previous generations. A parent may need to do more than assume their child's innocence and hope they'll take parental advice. Parents today need to make sure their teen is prepared to make adult decisions and to be mature and responsible, because societal and peer pressure will happen, and that's something a parent can't shield children from.
Comprehensive sexuality courses like those offered by the Smart Teens / Healthy Decisions Coalition gives youth the facts they need to make mature decisions and to understand peer pressure and ways to deal with it. Youth in our programs learn that it shows self-respect to say "no" and that, NO, "not everybody's doing it." With an emphasis on communication skills, the courses teach youth HOW to say "no" (this skill can help with pressure to use alcohol and drugs as well).
Every parent wants their child to be safe, but we're not allowed to lock them in a tower until they turn 20 (locking them in a tower wouldn't be very good for their social skills and education). Giving them information about "protective factors" isn't in opposition to promoting abstinence . . . to be safe, youth need to know what to do if, for any reason, they didn't say "no."
If you're also a parent struggling with these issues or are unsure when to start, what to say, and how to say it, we offer this page of links to articles, tips, and suggestions for you. . .
FREE guide (downloadable .pdf file) for parents, grandparents, or foster parents on how to talk to their adolescent about relationships and sexually responsible behavior while sharing their own famiy/personal/cultural/religious values. "Relationship Redux"
TWEENS: Is 13 the New 18?
Research indicates that middle school is where some troubles begin -- a 2007 review of surveys in the journal Prevention Science finds that the percentage of children who use alcohol doubles between grades four and six; the largest jump comes between fifth and sixth grades.
Survey: With One Voice
Results from a new public opinion survey of teens and adults—With One Voice (lite) 2009—provides some guidance on what might help to reverse the recent increase in the teen birth rate. Results from the nationally-representative survey make clear that parents are more influential than they think. Results also demonstrate that neither adults nor teens think that efforts to encourage teens to delay sex (abstinence) but that simultaneously encourage sexually active teens to use contraception as contradictory.
- Teens say parents (31%) most influence their decisions about sex—more than friends (18%), the media (7%), teachers and sex educators (3%) and others.
- For their part, 43% of adults believe that friends most influence teens’ decisions about sex; only 24% of adults believe that parents are most influential.
- Fully 73% of adults and a plurality of teens wish that teens were getting more information about both abstinence and contraception, rather than either/or.
download .pdf file of survey summary
Study: Sex on TV linked to teen pregnancies.
So, here's a couple of primetime shows addressing US pregnancy issues that might be something to watch together as a family to open up some interesting dialogue with your adolescent:
The Secret Life of the American Teenager looks at teen sex, pregnancy, abstinence, peer pressure and more (click the title above to see a video clip preview). Tune in to ABC Family Tuesday nights at 8pm Eastern/ 7pm Central for all new Spring 2009 episodes. Downloadable/printable discussion guide to use at home
Parent to Parent Continued -- next page (Why is Comprehensive Sexuality Education Needed?)
 A, perhaps, shocking new "trend" among teens and young adults is "sexting" -- text messaging nude or semi nude photos. As a parent, this is one thing we should be aware of and to watch out for! Read the press release that follows and download the "tips for parents and teens" at the end of the article!
THE NATIONAL CAMPAIGN TO PREVENT TEEN AND UNPLANNED PREGNANCY AND COSMOGIRL.COM REVEAL RESULTS OF SEX & TECH SURVEY:
Large Percentage of Teens Posting/Sending Nude/Semi Nude Images.
(Washington, DC) — One in five teen girls (22%)—and 11% of teen girls ages 13-16 years old—say they have electronically sent, or posted online, nude or semi-nude images of themselves. According to the results of a survey released today by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy and CosmoGirl.com, these racy images are also getting passed around: One-third (33%) of teen boys and one-quarter (25%) of teen girls say they have had nude/semi-nude images—originally meant to be private—shared with them.
The survey of 1,280 teens and young adults—conducted online by TRU, a global leader in research on teens and 20-somethings—indicates that 15% of teens who have sent sexually suggestive content such as text messages, email, photographs or video say they have done so with someone they only know online.
Teen girls are not the only ones sharing sexually explicit content. Almost one in five teen boys (18%) say they have sent or posted nude/semi nude images of themselves. One-third (33%) of young adults—36% of women and 31% of men ages 20-26—say they have sent or posted such images. What teens and young adults are doing electronically seems to have an effect on what they do in real life: Nearly one-quarter of teens (22%) admit that technology makes them personally more forward and aggressive. More than one-third of teens (38%) say exchanging sexy content makes dating or hooking up with others more likely and nearly one-third of teens (29%) believe those exchanging sexy content are "expected" to date or hook up.
"Teenagers are early adopters of technology—from the latest social networking sites to the hottest new cell phones," says Susan Schulz, Special Projects Editor, Hearst Magazines. "While this tech savvy can be seen as a positive, our study reveals there's also a negative side. Teenagers should be aware of the real consequences to this type of behavior and we need to provide them with guidance and encourage them to make smart choices."
"That so many young people say technology is encouraging an even more casual, hook-up culture is reason for concern, given the high rates of teen and unplanned pregnancy in the United States," said Marisa Nightingale, Senior Advisor to the Entertainment Media Program at the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy. "Parents should understand that their own notions of what’s public, what’s private, and what’s appropriate, may differ greatly from how teens and young adults define these concepts."
TIPS FOR PARENTS -- "Sexting"
TIPS FOR TEENS -- "Sexting"
from: StayTeen.org
WHEN SHOULD THE CONVERSATIONS START?
"The majority of teens (51% of guys and 53% of girls) believe that parents should start talking with their kids about sex, love, and relationships when their kids are 13 or 14. But almost one-third (27% of guys and 30% of girls) say the conversation should start even earlier—at age 12 or younger. In fact, almost one in seven teens have sex before age 15, so having a strong history of communicating about appropriate relationships, love, and sex is important. And, in fact, most teens say it would be easier for them to delay sex and avoid pregnancy if they were able to have more open, honest conversations about these topics with their parents."
"About six out of ten teens (67% of girls and 62% of guys) find it easy to talk to their parents about relationships. Still, about one in four teens (27% of guys and 24% of girls) say it’s difficult to talk to their parents about relationship issues."
"Teens have lots of reasons why they don’t talk with their parents about love, sex, and relationships, including fear of their parent’s reaction, worry that their parents will think they are having sex, embarrassment, not knowing how to bring the subject up, and the belief that parents won’t understand. Parents want to talk to their children about these topics but freely admit they often don’t know what to say or when to start the conversation."
for additional information:
[PowerPoint presentation] "Characteristics of Teens' First Sexual Partner" [includes "warning signs" that your teen/pre-teen may be sexually active or about to be]
Preparing for Pre-adolescent questions about sexuality What factors contribute to the early initiation of sex? Among the most important factors contributing to the initiation of sex are going steady with a girlfriend or boyfriend who is three or more years older, having sexually active peers, having a parent or older sister who gave birth as a teen, and living in a poor community with high unemployment.
review of parenting book: Beyond the Big Talk Every Parent's Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Teens—From Middle School to High School and Beyond
by Rev. Debra W. Haffner, M.P.H., M. Div.
research article linking TV viewing (of sexual content) to teen pregnancy
What Teens Want: Results of Adolescent survey may surprise parents and educators. |
